SYMPTOM

FAULT

ACTION TO BE TAKEN

Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wet.

Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror; Continue with as many pints as possible until technique is perfected.

Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale and clear.

Glass empty.

Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Feet cold and wet.

Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the  ceiling.

Bar blurred.

You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Feet warm and wet.

Loss of self control.

Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain to its owner  about the lack of house training and demand a pint in  compensation.

Bar moving.

You are being carried out.

Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that  you are being hijacked.

You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles, and has a  fluorescent light strip across it.

You have fallen over backwards.

If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.  if not, get someone to help you up, and lash yourself to the bar.

Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthfull of cigarette buts and  teeth.

You have fallen over forwards.

As for falling over backwards.

You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your  bedroom walls or ceiling.

You have spend the night in the gutter.

Check your watch to see if it is opening time, if not treat yourself to a lie-in.

Everything has gone dark.

The pubs are closing.

Don’t panic!!
You’ll always be welcome at THE IRISH TIMES PUB  !